When I was growing up, I was raised to respect authority, respect my elders, and do as I was told. No one ever told me it was okay to say “no” to adults if someone was trying to do something to me or make me do something that made me feel uncomfortable.
Unfortunately for me, this led to several uncomfortable situations where some people took advantage of a naïve little girl who didn’t know any better, and didn’t know it was OKAY to say “no.”
As you can imagine, my kids have been raised differently. I have compiled a list of tips to help you protect your kids from going through what I did, not only in my childhood and teen years, but it also followed me into adulthood. It took me many years to build up the self-esteem and confidence I needed to say “no” when it came to authority figures (and men in general) and my body (or situations that made me uncomfortable, for that matter).
Child predators seem to “smell” weakness. It’s like they just know who doesn’t have the confidence and ability to stop them when they “try” something. They prey on the weak, just like in the animal kingdom. They are like wolves in sheep’s clothing, and it’s no coincidence that it is becoming more frequent in the news that you will hear that these predators often work with children. That’s their playground.
Make no mistake about this post, it is not to tear down the AWESOME people who have what it takes to selflessly work with kids day in, and day out. To those individuals, I give my thanks from the bottom of my heart. This is in no way meant to color these individuals in a bad light. The predators of the world do that, not this post. This post is only meant to help stop Child Abuse, and stopping child abuse starts with me and it starts with YOU. It starts with US. We, as PARENTS have to have these conversations with our kids because that’s our job.
Hopefully, the following tips will empower your kids to fight for themselves.
These were compiled from not only my own personal experiences, but also from during my time earning my associate’s degree in psychology. You can learn more about me by reading my About section.
Obviously, this is rule number one! No one ever told me it’s okay to say “no” to an adult when it comes to the coaches, uncles, aunts, older brothers, sisters, family, friends, preachers, teachers, etc. I don’t care who it is! Please do not be offended if you fall into any of these categories! I’m sorry that someone in one of these categories HAS been convicted of child rape or molestation at some point, but no matter what category it is, make sure your child knows if anyone tries to touch them or tell them to do something inappropriate, to say “no!” They need to know it’s okay to fight back, kick, scream, run away, and do what it takes, but they do NOT have to do what they’re told when it comes to doing things that are inappropriate! More often than not, it is NOT some stranger that is going to come and hurt your child, it’s the ones they trust!
Your child needs to know that if they come to you and tell you that someone did something to them, that you’ll believe them and that you will take care of the situation. I did not have this safety net. Our parents should be our first line of defense when it comes to child predators, and if you don’t believe them when they tell you that someone touched them inappropriately, two things will happen: a. they’ll never trust you again and may even resent you for the rest of their life, and b. people will continue to take advantage of them into their adulthood.
Because we take our kids to doctors, counselors, and other professionals, your children may not know what is considered “inappropriate.” WHY do we expect them to just KNOW? There’s the “obvious.” But, do you want them talking about sex? Masturbation? The “adult’s” sex life? Pictures? Your kids may not know what is inappropriate, so here is a bulleted list to discuss. This probably doesn’t cover everything, but it’s a good start and should get the conversation going. Also, this list isn’t listed at an age-appropriate level so you can use your own best judgement.
- ANYTHING having to do with sex that your child didn’t bring up
- “Back or Body Massage”
- Self-touching in any way
- Any suggestive photos (taking or showing)
- Watching inappropriate movies (even R-rated movies with racy scenes IF you wouldn’t approve)
- Telling your child to take off any clothing that would reveal their body or underwear
- Telling suggestive stories
- “Secrets” from mom and dad that are obviously not like birthday parties or surprises
- Drugs or alcohol
- Anything that might “relax” them
- Pills or medicine without asking you first
- Any type of reassurances that are red flags such as: “Your mom/dad won’t mind”
- Spending time in the bedroom or beds
- Unwanted hugs, touches, caressing
- Special “naps,” cuddling, kissing, excessive hugging
- “Cornering” them, backing them into a room or against a wall, bathroom, etc.
- Pressuring them about anything (talking, touching)
- Being unwantedly and excessively too close (in their personal space bubble)
- Touching/showing their private area
I know it has happened where some predators have managed to abuse several children at the same time, however, they typically attempt to get a child alone. Again, this is similar to the animal kingdom where a predator will go after a single animal that strays from the pack.
When my kids go visit their friends, at first I usually make one of them go with their sibling and tell them not to leave the other alone. There is strength in numbers! To this day, this system has not failed, however, it is possible too that we haven’t come across a child predator either, thankfully. They’ve also been to lock-ins, pastors’ and church leaders’ homes, etc, and I always make them go together.
Every year the school has the kids do fundraisers door-to-door and I noticed that some of the people were having the kids come inside while they “found” their checkbook. Now, I have them go to doors in pairs.
Here is a story from when I was a teenager: another older, teenaged boy became violent with me and my older brother came to my rescue. Case and point: there is strength in numbers. So, if you have more than one child, there is nothing wrong with sending them together.
Personally, I don’t care if one wasn’t invited! If they don’t like it, they don’t have to invite my child a second time. It hasn’t been a problem thus far. If they aren’t up to no good, and it’s just for a couple of hours, they probably won’t mind.
Better to embarrass your kid for a few minutes than to consider the stark reality of “what if” something bad happens. It’s an incredibly hard, possibly overdramatic truth, but well worth a few minutes of your time to just stroll right into their house for yourself if you don’t know the people your kids are visiting.
You CANNOT take comfort in the fact that these people might be their teacher, coach, preacher, or YOUR family friend. I and two of my friends (a male and a female in three completely unrelated incidents in Missouri, Pennsylvania, and Florida by 3 different men) were all sexually assaulted by “family friends.”
Just show up. If your child is invited, you are invited by proxy. They shouldn’t have a problem with your presence. Measure their response. Observe. If they’re uncomfortable or your child is uncomfortable, you should be too. But, keep in mind, one guy who took advantage of me was a “real smooth-talker.” You would never have known he did what he did.
That is why open communication with your children is your best ammunition when it comes to child predators.
When you decide your child is old enough to start going to someone’s house without you, then they are old enough to start having these conversations.
In fact, you should probably already be having these conversations from a much younger age, at the most age-appropriate level possible. I started talking to my kids about what was okay and what was not okay at around the age of 4-years-old.
Every time your child goes to someone’s house (especially for the first time or the first few times until you get to know the people), you should remind them about what is not okay and that it’s okay to say “no” and to leave.
When they come home, ask questions about what happened while they were there. Be specific. If your child acts dodgy, find out why. If you spend your life maintaining an open line of communication, your child shouldn’t be afraid of talking to you.
Keep their confidence! The worst thing that ever happened to me in this respect, was that I learned I didn’t have anyone to talk to who would keep my talks in confidence. After that, I kept everything to myself. If your child tells you things that are private, keep it to yourself unless it’s obviously dangerous, then act appropriately. Don’t spread stories throughout the family for the sake of drama.
Once you learn more about the people they are visiting, you can usually decide if your child should be safe there, but keep your lines of communication open.
It goes without saying that you should be selective about who your child spends time with. My kids have come to trust my judgment when I say “no” about them going to someone’s house and they don’t push the issue. I’m very proud of them for that. They trust me, and I trust them.
They know the drill and always give me the rundown of who the person/people are, where they will be, and why. They know I have their location but they still give me an address. They don’t mind that I ask a bunch of questions. They also know and expect that I’m going to suggest that one of their brothers go along.
Unless I know the family myself, they typically don’t go alone; I can’t really recall a time they did until they were driving themselves. Even then, we had a plan of action in case there was trouble, no matter what—they knew they could call me.
One of the problems I ran into, was when people took advantage of me, I didn’t know what to do or how to handle it. Every time I ended up in a situation, I froze.
Go over some possible scenarios with your child and discuss plans of action. I also gave my kids a special code word in case they were in trouble.
Say they went to their friend’s house, and their dad was getting drunk or doing drugs and they were uncomfortable but didn’t want to tip off their friend. They could call me and say, “Hey mom, I was just wondering if we were gonna go out for ‘ice cream’ tomorrow after school?”
And I could say, “Maybe, but something has come up and I need to come to get you right now.”
So they could just tell their friend, “Oh no, my mom said something has come up and she needs to come and get me. I’m sorry, I have to go home.”
I recommend coming up with at least a few plans of action, discuss with your child what to do, and ask them what they would do. This way, if they find themselves in a situation, they won’t freeze.
Their coach/teacher/family member (whomever) has just told them if they tell anyone they (molested) them, they’ll hurt their parents.
I always made sure my kids knew this was just a bluff. This was the first thing I discussed with my kids and I told them it was flat garbage. They say this because they are afraid of going to jail! I always reassured my kids that nothing would happen to me if they told and they could tell me anything and I (and they) would be kept safe.
- “Trusted adult” has just asked them if they can take pictures in their underwear.
Or any other random weird question. This is for you to discuss, however, I would definitely suggest “saying NO” and remembering that if your child has their sibling that they need to grab their sibling and leave. Predators are not used to being told no!
- Your daughter is at her friend’s house and her dad is drinking and yelling; she’s not comfortable but her friend doesn’t want her to leave.
Come up with an easy, everyday code word that you can easily slip into an everyday conversation. My example mentioned above, “ice cream,” is a perfect example. She can just tell her friend she wants to call you to tell you good night. She slips the code word into conversation and you can always tell her that maybe the cat is sick and she needs to come home. Whatever it is, you don’t even need to offer an excuse, just give her a safe outlet. This also works well for when your teenager starts going to parties. If the party starts getting out of hand, your teen can get help without looking bad in front of everyone.
Keeping an eye on how much they’re talking to certain people is a good idea so that you know if there is a potentially inappropriate relationship developing. Adult predators typically “groom” their victims before they strike, although it’s not always the case. In my case, the ones who took advantage of me were opportunists and didn’t groom me, and they took advantage at opportune moments. My two friends, however, were taken advantage of at younger ages.
Tik Tok and Snapchat are two that I know are at the top of the predator list, however, if there are others I haven’t researched them. Snapchat is a favorite because the messages automatically delete themselves and can’t be tracked if the settings are set up that way.
Alternatively, you can keep an open line of communication about who they are talking to, not adding strangers, what are inappropriate conversations, etc.
But, if you notice they are texting another adult at midnight, there might be (and most likely is) a problem.
Family Link (available through Verizon Wireless), Messenger for Kids, and other anti-cyberstalking apps give you the ability to track who your kids are talking to and where they are. On Messenger for Kids you can see (from your own device) the photos that are sent but not the texts, so if you want to give them some privacy but be aware of who they are talking to and how often (and make sure they aren’t sending or receiving suggestive photos) this is a great app. It also gives you a rundown of who they talked to the most. If needed, you can get on their device to see more.
With Family Link, you have the ability to control what apps they use, how much they use them, and see their exact location (within a 10-ft radius). Just make sure you turn the location on when you set it up (or anytime thereafter).
You also have the ability to make the device ring, providing that it is turned on. If you purchase a smart watch, most smart watches these days have a tracking device in them as well, and they appear relatively innocent. You can also buy them for a pretty low price, they’re available almost anywhere. I bought mine on Amazon for $35.
You have to talk to your kids often, check to see how much they’re using their apps, and tune in to what they’re doing to a certain degree, but having an open line of communication has to start from a young age, and without judgment. You have to be able to listen without too much judgment or they won’t want to talk to you. You’re their advocate, not their judge and jury.
I’m not here to judge either, some of this is based on my own mistakes as a parent. However, if you do make mistakes, you can always apologize and be the example.
Yes, be their parent. But you have to build rapport with them too; it’s a delicate balance. My kids all have very full, active lifestyles in which they go to their friends’ houses and visit, or spend the night. They often go in pairs, or if, after I get to know the family, they go by themselves. I have had the privilege of getting to know some great families, and we’ve been blessed with some great people for my kids to hang out with too, but we’ve been cautious and had lots of “talks.” The kids have never had any concerns (of this nature), and neither have I.
Don’t expect them to just KNOW what to do, or what is okay, or that they can say “no.” Give them permission. Some kids need permission to say “no.” I did. And no one ever gave me the tools I needed to protect myself. That’s why I wrote this post.
If my experience helps even one parent protect their child, it was worth it.
Jeannie Culbertson ~The Noteworthy Mom
